New Year, New Me?

New Year, New Me?

Something I have been pondering lately; why do we have to wait for the New Year to create amazing goals when we are reborn every 24 hours?

This year I have decided not make any New Years resolutions because I believe that I have a choice every single day to make changes, hell I can even make changes in the middle of the day.

We can all start our day over at any given moment, it’s up to you. Why wait for a certain date to make fitness changes, or love yourself more. Personally, I’m not ready to make fitness changes but I’m always striving to love myself more.

2016 was the year to discover sobriety; 2017 is the same exact thing but to just be better than I was last year. Shit, I just wanna be better than I was 10 min ago. I guess that’s why I decided to post after months of not writing.

I honestly haven’t been work on bettering my life the last month and a half or so and yesterday it really hit me hard so I decided to make some changes. For one, I reached out to my God, open and honestly, I reached out to many people for love and support. In my life today, when I reach one hand out, I get 15 reaching back. So grateful for that! Also, I got back to the super basic and simple things in my program.

I’ve done a lot of searching for outside validation from men and not taking real good care of my body and mind. I totally recognize that and I understand that I am the only one that has the ability to make happy, health changes to my life. Even just recognizing that and being aware of that, shifted things for me. I feel lighter and happier. Now it’s time to do ACTION. More sleep, more reading, more prayer and meditation, MORE SELF LOVE!!!

I can do hard things!

I am capable of LOVE!

I am amazing!

I am honest.

I am capable of being of SERVICE!

Just one last thought…. I choose to embrace my womanhood and “rock the single status like a FUCKING boss!!!!!!”

How to Rock the Single Status Like a Boss.


Thank you all for you’re amazing support and love. NAMASTE

Remember to be YOU!

Remember to BREATH!

Remember to GIVE LOVE!

Remember that you are PERFECT the way you are!


Power is Words.

Power is Words.


Ok, so my world has really been shifting in a serious positive way the last few weeks. My self-love has grown immensely, as well as my self awareness.  That’s not to say that I haven’t had my days where I’m just like completely confused about what’s going through my mind.

Like today, I’m on the verge of this huge shift and it’s right there, I can pretty much taste it and it just feels FUNKY! Like my thoughts are just in a WEIRD spot. Half of me really recognizing how well I’m doing and really loving myself and than the other is like what the hell is wrong with me? I’ve been single for 4 months (yes, I’m fully aware that so not even a long time, but in my world, it kind of is.) and no one that I’m even interested in has come into my life.

Wow, ok now that I finally have written that out in words, it sounds so odd and inaccurate! Power in words for sure!

So, today has been a little funky feeling, yesterday I wasn’t feeling well so I took the day to myself and my best friend of 16 years had her first child last night and I’m super giddy about that. Yay, babies!

Things are going SO WELL, no wonder I feel funky. If you would’ve told me a year ago that my life would be where it is today I probably would’ve seriously laughed at you and told you to fuck off! Sad, but so true. I had no idea of my worth.

God was just telling me I need to share what I’m feeling so I get on my blog and I haven’t even written anything in 2 weeks and in that 2 weeks I’ve gotten like 2,000 hits. WOW, I almost started crying because it’s amazing the growth I’ve done in the last few months and I’m so honored to get to share my experience with all of you! Thank you so much for reading and sharing.

It’s so crazy to think that last Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years AND Lilli’s birthday I was behind bars, at the very beginning of my BEAUTIFUL journey! I have no idea where I would be if I wouldn’t have gotten arrested that day, 11/11/2015.

I’m on the amazing road to being the amazing mother I was always meant to me. Just getting the opportunity to be present and see the amazing growth that my Lillipad has made in the last 1.5 years that she hasn’t been with me, is worth all the work I’ve done. I’m so grateful for my sister and brother in law for just flourishing with her. Loving her more than I could’ve ever imagined.

Thank you, everyone for cheering me on and loving me no matter what! You all mean the world to me. And a special thank you to my Higher Power for guiding me in the direction of happiness and acceptance. <3


And So It Is.

And So It Is.

I love you

I bless you

I forgive you

I release you

And so it is.

I’ve been having hard time letting go some character defects the last couple weeks and when my mom showed me this mantra it became apart of my daily release. Weather it’s for a person, place or thing. When I say it a few times in a row I can feel the peace and compassion flood into my heart.


This past weekend I really struggled with feeling alone in a room full of people. It is only because I am my toughest critic. I found that my self talk was extremely negative. It’s like 25% of my mind has no idea of my worth so it’s like a constant battle in my head with the other 75%. 25% doesn’t seem like much but that 25% has a extremely LOUD VOICE and when she wants to be heard, she screams. That is when I found myself saying this mantra the most. And than that voice quiets and a much stronger, wiser voice chimes in.


“I love YOU because you are YOU,

I bless your heart,

I forgive your sins,

I release your negative energy,


Everyday is a challenge but everything I want is on the other side of fear so my life depends on reaching out with the risk of rejection, my life depends on loving myself, my life depends on BEING OK with it just being me, for the time being

I never have been actually alone. My life just began 3 months ago when I became my own person. This is all a process and I just need to trust in that and trust in my Higher Power. As long as the knowledge of my worth is growing that’s all that matters because we all struggle with that. It’s a life long battle.

I’m grateful to wake up sober this morning.

I’m grateful that my daughter KNOWS who I am; even through the phone.

I’m grateful to be self sufficient.

I’m grateful for the ability to learn and grow, everyday.

I’m grateful for the power of words and thoughts.

I’m grateful for the ability to change a negative into a positive.




We are ONE!!<3

We are ONE!!<3

You know those days when the disease of addiction is just flat out REAL and IN YOUR FACE?!?! Yep, that day is today.

You know those days when all you want to do is cry tears of compassion and love for those who are struggling and their loved ones?  Yep, that day is today.

My heart is heaving, my compassion has sky rocked and my gratitude has grown.

Life through the eyes of an addict has gotten extremely real in the last 24 hours. This disease is FUCKING POWERFUL, people!! It’s gotten so real that I get the reality of how low the statics of how many people actually make it in sobriety. That’s just how life work when you’re in recovery. AND THAT’S OK but it’s HARD!!!!

This is when being spiritually fit comes into play. What that looks like to me is, having the ability to reach out to those who are struggling and be strong for them, when I too, am struggling and they don’t have the tools to reach out to me; it’s having the ability to reach for strength from God because I know he has all the power and has a fucking plan for me and every single person around me; it’s having the ability to cry and scream and just BE whatever I’m feeling in the moment because I know that it will pass and gratitude and love will flood in when all the pain, sorrow and anger has lessened.

I am not angry with those who suffer, I am not angry with God, the only thing I am angry at, right now is the POWER that addiction has on the mind. But also, I can be accepting of that power today and that lessens that power, substantially, granite acceptance only lessens it in my mind, but it also allows me to have a mountain of compassion for those that have an overpowering urge to give in to the demons in their mind, if that makes any sense, I have no idea but that’s just what’s coming out as I write.

Shit, look at the person I’ve become because of this disease?! Look at the strength my Higher Power has granted me?! This was put in my life so I that can support others along the way, weather that be from addiction or depression or motherhood, whatever! I tend to learn things the absolute hardest way and I think the reasoning behind that is so I can support others that have gone through similar trials as I.

The human mind is so POWERFUL, in the most amazing ways, but also in a lot of negative ways. I choose to use my mind in ways the suit me and the ones that choose to be part of it. We can all work together to make this world a more kind and compassionate place, if we choose it to be that way.



If ANY of you that are reading this, need support in ANY kind of way, please reach out to me. We can get through this life together. I don’t care what your color, sexuality, addiction, no addiction, etc may be. REACH OUT!! YOU ARE LOVED!!!

Thank you for reading.. MUCH LOVE <3


Expression of Self.

Expression of Self.

Well hello there, my fellow humans! <3


I haven’t written in almost a month and that is because I haven’t had much inspiration. I feel the most inspired to write when I’m working a good program. And quite honestly, I haven’t been doing much of that, the last few weeks but hey, at least I recognize that, today so I can do something about it. And that’s exactly what I’m doing.

I’ve picked up on my daily readings and daily inventory of self and I’m also meeting with my sponsor sometime this week so we can meet and talk about the wonders of life and get into the Big Book; which is something I haven’t done with another recoveree sense I finished the 12 steps. I’m definitely feeling it. Working with another addict/alcoholic is one of the biggest steps/motivators to stay sober so that’s exactly what I need to pick up on, if I want to stay sober.

Although, I haven’t been doing my best in my program, I am definitely feeling a shift in my love for myself and for others. I’ve definitely shifted into the more positive side of life. I’m finding myself smiling A LOT more, these days and the urge to be of service is growing! I’m doing my very best to be accepting of all things, today. I have more love for myself, therefore, I have more love for everyone around me.

About a week and a half ago I went out to my Mom’s house in Long Beach, CA to visit with my Aunt,  my Mom and my most amazing daughter, Lilli for the weekend. It was the most amazing experience to be in the moment with family. It’s the first time going to CA sense I’ve been sober and let me tell you, getting to be present with the most amazing gift from God, my Lillipad, reminded me what I’m doing all this work for, other than myself, of course. Making her laugh uncontrollably, knowing that she hasn’t forgotten me and never will forget me, was a reminder that I did the right thing when I put her care in my Sister’s hands.


Another amazing experience I had was, getting to walk to the beach every night, because my Mom lives 2 BLOCKS from the sand, I know, I know!! #BLESSED! Anyway, I walked to the beach every night after putting Lilli down to sleep and just getting to have that alone time was EXACTLY what I needed. Feeling the waves of the ocean crash on my feet, with the sand between my toes, is one of the most amazing physical sensations. Being one with Mother Earth, God and myself all in one moment, completely took my breath away.


What an amazing life I live! I couldn’t be in more gratitude for all the blessings/promises my Higher Power, who I choose to call God, has put into my life.



Today I hit 8 months of complete sobriety, next month I will have a year off my drugs of choice, Heroin and Cocaine. This is a huge milestone for me, everyday sober is a milestone in my book. I have grown so much as a woman and mother. I am truly grateful for all the obstacles God has placed in my life.

One of the biggest lessons I’ve got to learn is that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel and nothing is permanent. I’ve also learned that I have a lot more fun when I’m sober than when I have some kind of substance in my body.

It’s almost surreal that I’ve made it this far. I feel better and happier then I’ve ever been. I have my moments through out the day that are really difficult but I know I can get through them. God has played a HUGE part in me remaining sober.

take-pride-in-how-far-you-have-come-and-have-faith-in-how-far-you-can-go I am on my way to getting the life I’ve always wanted with my daughter back in my life. I  have had so many opportunities to learn and grow. I couldn’t have done it with out all the support I’ve gotten from my family and my second recovery family.

Last night I had to opportunity to go see one of my favorite Rap artist, Machine Gun Kelly and I made it through until the end, completely sober, with everyone drunk and smoking weed around me. I’m so grateful I did not have the desire to get high. I felt the music is everything bone in my body and it was completely amazing! I got to connect again with one of my greatest recovery sisters in a very important moment in the night and it was just the cherry on top of everything.

I truly understand all the wonderful things sobriety does for the body. I felt that to the full extent at the concert.

Being an addict is such a bittersweet disease. In active addiction is when it hurts the most, but all the amazing thing you feel in recovery makes it all worth it.  I can actually say today that I am a grateful recovering addict and I will live it to the fullest.

I pray that my experience and strength and give someone out there hope that it is possible to feel true happiness. Life definitely isn’t easy but it’s so worth it, if you’re willing to do the work to get there. I am so perfectly imperfect!


Thank you for sharing 🙂



I can do HARD thing.<3

I can do HARD thing.<3

A big reason why I haven’t been writing a ton the last week is because I really feel like something is missing in my heart. I’ve been trying to fill it with all these external things. Than I realized this morning that I’m longing for a physical relationship with my daughter.


A year and a half ago, her father and I signed custody to my sister and her husband because we were so deep in our addiction that we couldn’t give her the proper care that she deserved. That was the hardest and most perfect decision we could’ve made for her. She’s in the best hand right now but that doesn’t mean it’s FUCKING hard.


Today, I’m feeling selfish because I feel like I haven’t done much for her but I need to remember that I gave her the greatest gift and I’m here getting health so that I can have her back in my life.

It’s been 7 months sense I’ve seen her and in a couple weeks I get to go out to Granny’s house in Long Beach and spend the weekend with her. I couldn’t be more excited to spend some good, quality time with her, to connect with her growing personality and to express how much I love and miss her.

I just can’t express the gratitude I have for my sister and her husband for taking her in when I couldn’t properly care for her. I miss her every single day. She will always be the love of my life and the most important little human to me.


I’m learning to HOLD ON. I’m doing the best I can right now. Things are HARD but I’m DOING it! ONE DAY AT A TIME.

I need to do something for myself, some alone time is SO MUCH needed. I’m not going to learn whatever God wants me to learn over night. Have patience. Love yourself. Have compassion for others. Everything happens for a reason. Do something nice for someone EVERYDAY! And PRAY! Pray for love, pray for God to be with you, always, pray for acceptance and patience for his will for you.



So, I haven’t been feeling super inspirational lately so I haven’t been writing as much. The last few days I’ve really been feeling this not writing thing. I need the release.


The process of being mentally stimulated to do or feel something, especially to do something creative.
Inspiration to me is just seeing and feeling someone truly happy. You see that a lot in the program I’m in. it in turn inspires me to get deal and real with someone.
I had the opportunity of going up to Park City this weekend to a Cocaine Anonymous convention and it seriously was what I needed to feel connected in my community and with the fellowship. When I go to events like that it reminds me how loved I am and that I belong somewhere. It feels so good to feel at home some place in the world.
I’ve also been really hard on myself in my head. I’m so annoying, I’m too loud, blah blah blah…. Why does it matter what I am when I’m only being myself? Why do I care what others have to say or think about me? Oh, because that’s what I think about myself. THAT CHANGES NOW!!! I am me! I am real and loving and a great person. That’s all that matters. I am not perfect and I need to embrace that more.
The other night a friend was struggling so I advised her to say “I love you” in the mirror for 2 mins than it hit me, I’ve never even done that so we did to together for the first time and MAN did it feel good. It was like refreshing.
I challenge all of you to say “I love you” in the mirror for 2 min everyday for 2 weeks and see how you feel at the end. See if anything’s changed inside of you. I am taking on this challenge as well. I’ll blog about it, I’m sure.
Well here’s my mind all over the place.. Hope you enjoy. <3
My Grieving Process.

My Grieving Process.

This is exactly what I’m going through. I’m still grieving my relationship with Heroin, my daughter living in a different state, my brothers suicide from a year ago and now I’m grieving my relationship with my best friend. 14448842_10154526724519710_5208600671471026502_n

Grieving my best friend comes in waves, at first I was just sad all day and wanted nothing more then just numb it with someone elses validation, now through out the day I’ll wake up refreshed and happy and as the day goes on, I’m either super angry and pissed at everything about him or I’m just sad like I just miss him! I miss almost everything about him. Some days on my way home from work, I listen to songs that remind me of him and I just CRY! Like yesterday, I had one song on repeat and cried the whole 30 mins to my house.

Today, I’m feeling that same way. I MISS HIM!!! I know this is a HUGE process and in this aspect of my life, it will get easier with time. ONE DAY AT A TIME. I had to write him a letter, yesterday and that helped a lot, it was a huge release, just as my blog is a release.


Grief is really hard because there’s nothing any one can do or say to make the pain go away. The pain will most likely never go away but just learning to cop and deal with it is just how it works. Of course, having love, compassion and support makes it TONS easier but it still fucking hurts.

“Just because a relationship ends, it doesn’t mean it’s not worth having.” ~ Sarah Mlynowski

Too often we try to soothe ourselves by diminishing a relationship’s value in order to get over it more quickly. But it’s OK to think that the relationship was pretty great, but now it’s over, and it was worth going through the pain of the ending for all the good times you had together. Love always comes with the risk of getting hurt and putting yourself through some tough times, but it’s always worth the special moments you share.

16 Empowering Quotes About Breaking Up and Moving On

This right here has helped today. I don’t hate him, I love him. I’m grateful for him. He’s still my best friend. He’s an amazing father. We’ve been through thick and thin together and it will be that way for the rest of our life’s. I totally understand that right now it’s just not our time, I’m perfectly ok with that, it’s just being without my best friend for this time, how ever long it may be, I have no idea, but it’s hard! Grief if one of the worst pains in the world but it’s makes us so much strong when we pull through and understand that we can do this.

I just have to get this out of my head. I don’t even care who see this. This is me being REAL.

If you are grieving in any way shape or form, whether it be from a break up, death, drugs, WHATEVER, even if you aren’t, reach out to me! We can get through this life together.

LOVE IS IMPORTANT yet such a risk for heartache but IT’S WORTH IT!!!


A Promise about Love.

A Promise about Love.

Love doesn’t make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.

-Franklin Jones

You are always surrounded by love, no matter if you choose not to see it. Once you start to love yourself for everything that you are, you will soon start to see all the love that surrounds you.

Yes, my heart hurts right now but that doesn’t mean I don’t ever want to fall in love again for fear that it won’t last or the fear that there’s a chance that I could be let down. All those feelings love gives you are all worth the risk of heartache.


I’m at a place in my life where all I ever want is to truly love myself. I can really start to feel it. I’m start to love myself no matter my size or shape, no matter if I have make up on or not. I’m a good person and I’m surrounded by good people who will love me so I can learn to love myself.

I can’t be searching for the outside validation right now; trust me I’ve been trying and God is not allowing that to happen. I need to just sit back and enjoy life, enjoy finding and getting to know myself.

Sometimes I just need to understand that days I just want to sit in my shit or I’m just pissed off at the world, and that’s ok as long I don’t sit in that for too long.

We all have horrible days but we have the gift of falling asleep at night and waking up to a NEW day, a NEW life, if that’s what we choose. We can even just choose happiness and service to get out of whatever funk we are in. We all deserve happiness and to feel love. We’re all going through some major struggles so have compassion for everyone around you, even if you don’t know what people are going through. WE’RE ALL INSECURE but we are all BEAUTIFUL!

1-love-quotes-amy-poehler4 I CAN DO HARD THINGS!