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Month: September 2016

I can do HARD thing.<3

I can do HARD thing.<3

A big reason why I haven’t been writing a ton the last week is because I really feel like something is missing in my heart. I’ve been trying to fill it with all these external things. Than I realized this morning that I’m longing for a physical relationship with my daughter.

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A year and a half ago, her father and I signed custody to my sister and her husband because we were so deep in our addiction that we couldn’t give her the proper care that she deserved. That was the hardest and most perfect decision we could’ve made for her. She’s in the best hand right now but that doesn’t mean it’s FUCKING hard.

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Today, I’m feeling selfish because I feel like I haven’t done much for her but I need to remember that I gave her the greatest gift and I’m here getting health so that I can have her back in my life.

It’s been 7 months sense I’ve seen her and in a couple weeks I get to go out to Granny’s house in Long Beach and spend the weekend with her. I couldn’t be more excited to spend some good, quality time with her, to connect with her growing personality and to express how much I love and miss her.

I just can’t express the gratitude I have for my sister and her husband for taking her in when I couldn’t properly care for her. I miss her every single day. She will always be the love of my life and the most important little human to me.

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I’m learning to HOLD ON. I’m doing the best I can right now. Things are HARD but I’m DOING it! ONE DAY AT A TIME.

I need to do something for myself, some alone time is SO MUCH needed. I’m not going to learn whatever God wants me to learn over night. Have patience. Love yourself. Have compassion for others. Everything happens for a reason. Do something nice for someone EVERYDAY! And PRAY! Pray for love, pray for God to be with you, always, pray for acceptance and patience for his will for you.

Inspiration.

Inspiration.

So, I haven’t been feeling super inspirational lately so I haven’t been writing as much. The last few days I’ve really been feeling this not writing thing. I need the release.

Inspiration:

The process of being mentally stimulated to do or feel something, especially to do something creative.
Inspiration to me is just seeing and feeling someone truly happy. You see that a lot in the program I’m in. it in turn inspires me to get deal and real with someone.
I had the opportunity of going up to Park City this weekend to a Cocaine Anonymous convention and it seriously was what I needed to feel connected in my community and with the fellowship. When I go to events like that it reminds me how loved I am and that I belong somewhere. It feels so good to feel at home some place in the world.
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I’ve also been really hard on myself in my head. I’m so annoying, I’m too loud, blah blah blah…. Why does it matter what I am when I’m only being myself? Why do I care what others have to say or think about me? Oh, because that’s what I think about myself. THAT CHANGES NOW!!! I am me! I am real and loving and a great person. That’s all that matters. I am not perfect and I need to embrace that more.
The other night a friend was struggling so I advised her to say “I love you” in the mirror for 2 mins than it hit me, I’ve never even done that so we did to together for the first time and MAN did it feel good. It was like refreshing.
I challenge all of you to say “I love you” in the mirror for 2 min everyday for 2 weeks and see how you feel at the end. See if anything’s changed inside of you. I am taking on this challenge as well. I’ll blog about it, I’m sure.
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Well here’s my mind all over the place.. Hope you enjoy. <3
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My Grieving Process.

My Grieving Process.

This is exactly what I’m going through. I’m still grieving my relationship with Heroin, my daughter living in a different state, my brothers suicide from a year ago and now I’m grieving my relationship with my best friend. 14448842_10154526724519710_5208600671471026502_n

Grieving my best friend comes in waves, at first I was just sad all day and wanted nothing more then just numb it with someone elses validation, now through out the day I’ll wake up refreshed and happy and as the day goes on, I’m either super angry and pissed at everything about him or I’m just sad like I just miss him! I miss almost everything about him. Some days on my way home from work, I listen to songs that remind me of him and I just CRY! Like yesterday, I had one song on repeat and cried the whole 30 mins to my house.

Today, I’m feeling that same way. I MISS HIM!!! I know this is a HUGE process and in this aspect of my life, it will get easier with time. ONE DAY AT A TIME. I had to write him a letter, yesterday and that helped a lot, it was a huge release, just as my blog is a release.

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Grief is really hard because there’s nothing any one can do or say to make the pain go away. The pain will most likely never go away but just learning to cop and deal with it is just how it works. Of course, having love, compassion and support makes it TONS easier but it still fucking hurts.

“Just because a relationship ends, it doesn’t mean it’s not worth having.” ~ Sarah Mlynowski

Too often we try to soothe ourselves by diminishing a relationship’s value in order to get over it more quickly. But it’s OK to think that the relationship was pretty great, but now it’s over, and it was worth going through the pain of the ending for all the good times you had together. Love always comes with the risk of getting hurt and putting yourself through some tough times, but it’s always worth the special moments you share.

16 Empowering Quotes About Breaking Up and Moving On

This right here has helped today. I don’t hate him, I love him. I’m grateful for him. He’s still my best friend. He’s an amazing father. We’ve been through thick and thin together and it will be that way for the rest of our life’s. I totally understand that right now it’s just not our time, I’m perfectly ok with that, it’s just being without my best friend for this time, how ever long it may be, I have no idea, but it’s hard! Grief if one of the worst pains in the world but it’s makes us so much strong when we pull through and understand that we can do this.

I just have to get this out of my head. I don’t even care who see this. This is me being REAL.

If you are grieving in any way shape or form, whether it be from a break up, death, drugs, WHATEVER, even if you aren’t, reach out to me! We can get through this life together.

LOVE IS IMPORTANT yet such a risk for heartache but IT’S WORTH IT!!!

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A Promise about Love.

A Promise about Love.

Love doesn’t make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.

-Franklin Jones

You are always surrounded by love, no matter if you choose not to see it. Once you start to love yourself for everything that you are, you will soon start to see all the love that surrounds you.

Yes, my heart hurts right now but that doesn’t mean I don’t ever want to fall in love again for fear that it won’t last or the fear that there’s a chance that I could be let down. All those feelings love gives you are all worth the risk of heartache.

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I’m at a place in my life where all I ever want is to truly love myself. I can really start to feel it. I’m start to love myself no matter my size or shape, no matter if I have make up on or not. I’m a good person and I’m surrounded by good people who will love me so I can learn to love myself.

I can’t be searching for the outside validation right now; trust me I’ve been trying and God is not allowing that to happen. I need to just sit back and enjoy life, enjoy finding and getting to know myself.

Sometimes I just need to understand that days I just want to sit in my shit or I’m just pissed off at the world, and that’s ok as long I don’t sit in that for too long.

We all have horrible days but we have the gift of falling asleep at night and waking up to a NEW day, a NEW life, if that’s what we choose. We can even just choose happiness and service to get out of whatever funk we are in. We all deserve happiness and to feel love. We’re all going through some major struggles so have compassion for everyone around you, even if you don’t know what people are going through. WE’RE ALL INSECURE but we are all BEAUTIFUL!

1-love-quotes-amy-poehler4 I CAN DO HARD THINGS!

I AM CAPABLE OF LOVING AND BEING LOVED!

I AM BEAUTIFUL!

I AM STRONG!

I AM A GRATEFUL RECOVERING ADDICT & that is ME!

And All the Sudden, I was ENOUGH!

And All the Sudden, I was ENOUGH!

I’m filled with so much gratitude today. I’m almost speechless, to be honest. It’s truly amazing that I can speak my truth and be honest with where I’m at in my life.

Ya know, as long as I’m good enough for myself, I don’t need to be good enough for someone else. Just because someone doesn’t “want” to be with me right now, doesn’t mean it’s about me, and what’s wrong with me, because there’s NOTHING wrong with me. Maybe I’m just not someones style, and that’s perfectly ok.  I’ve come across people that just aren’t my style and that has absolutely nothing to do with them and everything to do with just knowing/figuring out what I like in a person.  I’m just a puzzle piece fitting my way into a big picture.

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Today, in this moment, I am so madly in love with myself. This morning I actually looked in the mirror and thought, wow, what a beautiful women staring back at me. That women is going places. And I actually believed it.

Seriously, people.. I’m making some serious self movement and it feels FUCKING good to be proud of myself and happy to be ME! My true authentic self.

If someone doesn’t mesh well with me, that’s FINE. We’re not forced to be friends. We’re all just figuring out our peace in the world and what/who make us happy.

The anger and sadness are subsiding and I’m loving it. My happiness for myself is resulting in happiness for others. We are all doing the best we can to make it in this world, to find what make’s our hearts sing. Everything we go through, every single moment, is perfect.

79e0dd023ffbea6613d2fda3b9d92082We are all ENOUGH! No matter where we’re at in life. We are all PERFECT the way we are, flaws and all. LOVE YOURSELF! No matter your size, color, shape, whatever.. This moment is perfect because you are in it.

Be gentle with yourself, everyday is a process of ups and downs. Who knows, in a few hours, I could be loosing my shit but I know that it will pass so I’m learning to be patient.

Why Live with Resentments?

Why Live with Resentments?

resentment-quotesresentment-reshawaii-7unugxpbMan, have I been holding on to some serious resentments the last couple weeks. Expecting anyone and everyone (mostly my daughter’s father) to read my mind and react the way I want them to react. It’s like I’m over here so pissed off that he’s handling this break up the only way he knows how and pissed off that I’m handling it the only way I know how.

“Look at it from all angles. Everyone is living in the own self created illusion. I have no idea why they’re acting out or where they’re coming from. So just because you think something is totally not ok, in their illusion it could be fine and your way could be totally not ok.” – Jen Sincero, You are a Badass

FUCKING GIVING MYSELF WHIPLASH! One min I’m like all good and accepting of this situation and the next, I’m angry and want to cry and listen to nothing but break up songs than I’m back to being happy again. I guess that’s all normal, right? The good thing is, is that I’m doing the BEST I can, right now.

I was reading about how both men and women deal with break ups, supposedly it can take about 11 weeks to really see the positive in a break up. Huh, well I still have a while to go. So patience is key.

935ed280e94abc77d49aba9b96fe103e I’ve also been pretty upset that he’s been on my mind so much, and I should be handling this different, and all this negative shit about myself and how he’s MAKING me feel. When in reality, he isn’t MAKING me feel anything, the pain and loss I feel is expected after a 6 year relationship. I need to remind myself that, I’m actually happy not to have to please anyone or not having to “be good enough” for someone, because the most important thing right now is that I’m good enough for myself. It’s just a really long and hard process but I just need to trust in my higher power and trust that I will be ok, and I have no idea what the future holds but damn, I just want to be over this resentment towards him. I’m really working on forgiving him and forgiving myself for allowing him to hurt me so much.

I’ve been on this subject that last few posts but I feel it’s important to be real and raw with where I’m at in life. I love all my readers and I appreciate all the love I’m getting. Please pray for me. Much love<3

Patience through Prayer and Meditation.

Patience through Prayer and Meditation.

The last week I was really having a hard time being patient with Gods will for me. Why can’t everything just happen RIGHT NOW!? Why don’t I know all the answers?

But like I said in a post earlier this week, “It’s not about the destination but about the journey to get there.” I’ve had to remind myself this about 5 times a day.

When you don’t know the answers to some situation in your life, you need to understand that God already has it all in place for you; so be patient and live in the moment. Everything happens in God’s time; it may not even work out how you ever thought it would but in time, if you can be accepting of whatever the outcome may be, then you will be grateful and happy with it.

I heard in a meeting a few weeks back; “I have good days and I have great days. Good days are when things are going smoothly and gracefully. Great days are when God puts difficult obstacles in my life and I still hit the pillow sober!”

This has helped me so much the last week because I feel like this is a very difficult time in my life, where I am learning so much about myself and my recovery. I am pushing through until there is a spiritual relief.

I’m also learning that I need to fully turn to God in every aspect of my life before I can find my true self, for one, and love in another human, for two.

Today is a much better day. I had some huge breakthroughs. I’ve been reaching out when I’m struggling and I’m BREATHING DEEP through all the bullshit that arises. I’m learning to LET GO AND LET GOD when at all possible. And reminding myself that GREAT things come to those who wait. I have meditated on peace and happiness and self love, something I haven’t done in a few weeks.

GROUNDING MYSELF!! Remembering that I AM BEAUTIFUL, I AM STRONG, I AM LOVED, I AM CAPABLE, I AM A MOTHER, AND A DAUGHTER OF GOD!!! Today is a beautiful day to SMILE. The mountains are changing so beautifully, I am constantly surrounded by amazing, beautiful women, who love me unconditionally.

Also, what an amazing gift this is, getting to write my experience. I was talking to my mom the other day about the hard things that are going on with my daughters father and she said, “You know what, Kjarsti, you’ve always been someone to learn things the hard way, as shitty as it is, it is a beautiful thing because you get to help others through some HARD shit!”

That is very true today. I am grateful I get to help anyone that can take in what I’ve learn and grow from it. I am so grateful to be where I’m at today. I’ve grown so much. Being an addict is fucking hard but it’s so beautiful if you’re willing to do the work.

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My Raw Struggles.

My Raw Struggles.

I’ve been going through a lot of life changes lately.. Been really struggling.. I’ll be real, I need to work on practicing what I preach. Sometime I act like I have it all together, but in reality I have HUGE moments of weakness.

I found out last night that my Baby Daddy is having sex with another person. It fucking hurts to find that out. Even though I knew it was going to happen, it doesn’t discount how much it hurts. Just that image has been popping in my head all day.

God is teaching me a HUGE lesson over this. I cannot control him and I can’t control Gods will for him. But it still HURTS!

Why can’t he just focus on himself? Why do I care? Why, why, why… Is what I keep asking myself.

I know I can’t hide from these feelings, I need to feel them to the full extent so I can LEARN whatever God wants me to learn. But in this moment, it really, really, really sucks!

I told him last week that I cannot be in contact with him for the sake of my recovery and that I will contact him when I’m ready. That was a big breakthrough for me. It was hard as hell but I still did it. If I was just going to keep this back and forth thing going, I would be hurting A LOT more then I am now.

I’m doing my best to remember that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I WILL BE OK! I have no idea what the future holds. All I have is this moment, right here, right now. There is a positive that comes out of this very hard lesson.

I’m trying so hard not to numb this feeling with a penis. I cannot do that to myself or the other person. I am not that person anymore. If he needs to learn that sort of lesson, whatever it may be, I need to accept that. I know he loves me but he’s also doing what he knows best to help him through this break up……

TEARS, TEARS, TEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reaching out.. HAD to get this out in the open. Support is needed. Thank you!

Finding True Peace Within Yourself.

Finding True Peace Within Yourself.

This life is all about the journey not the destination. <3

I’ve found that the only one that will be there 100% of the time, is myself. I’m realizing that it’s not about loving every single aspect of yourself, because that’s unrealistic. It’s about all the amazing things within yourself that far out weigh your flaws.

When you start to notice the positive within yourself, they start to multiple. When you only notice the negative, that is all you see.

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This is a HUGE lesson I’m learning about life. I am my own best friend. There are SO MANY wonderful qualities that I love about myself. I’m an amazing mother, a loyal friend, honest, loving, a wonder writer, etc. The list goes on and on and on.

When you start to believe in yourself, you conquer the world. We can all do hard things! If any given situation is put in your life, you can handle it or it wouldn’t be there to begin with. When you are accepting of yourself, you can be accepting of others; when you find peace within yourself, the world will be peaceful.

It’s all about what you see in yourself, that you will see in the world.

I’m beginning to really love myself, and that is a beautiful thing. We are worth all the happiness in the world, so SMILE! Smiles are what make the world go round and there needs to be more of them.

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Today, I am going to challenge myself to smile more and go out of my way to do something nice for someone. I encourage you all to do the same. Service is a HUGE blessing from God. The more things you do for the world, the more beautiful it will become.

You wouldn’t say all the negative and unloving things to your son or daughter or your friends, so there’s no reason to say them to yourself. Notice how your self talk is today. We are all so beautiful, we need to recognize all the amazing things we are doing.

Another thought; when you can whole hardheartedly love yourself and everything that comes with you; you are able to love someone else, whole hardheartedly. Isn’t this what we all want in this life, finding someone to share your life with? Well you can’t be fully happy in a relationship until you are fully happy with yourself. So start TODAY because it’s not about the destination but about the JOURNEY of finding PEACE withing YOURSELF!

Have a wonderful Friday, everyone!! <3

Gratitude while being Humble.

Gratitude while being Humble.

Gratitude:

The quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.

Humility:

A modest or low view of one’s own importance; humbleness.

 

gratitude-quotes3I’ll admit, this morning I was forgetting all the many blessings in my life. I was acting entitled, manipulative and ungrateful. It’s hard to be stuck in that shit but at least I can recognize it a lot quicker then 7 months ago.

I get to stay humble for where I’m at in life and grateful that I have all these amazing opportunities to learn and grow. Also wish not to shut the door on my past because it is ME.

As I type this, it is like a release of all the bullshit in my head. I don’t NEED material things to be happy, I WANT those things to feel productive because I’ve worked hard for these things. What I really need is for God to fill the hole in my heart. I look for distractions like I looked for drugs. The only thing I need is my self love and the love from my higher power.

I’m so very grateful for support that I get from all my friends and all the love I get from my family, even after all the unloving things I did to them. I grateful to have the will to change what’s inside of me. I grateful for the 12 steps for allowing me to get real honest with myself. I’m even grateful for the little/material things that assist me in getting where I want to be in my life; like my AMAZING job that pays my bills so I can be self sufficient and prepare to be a loving, supportive mother and also my car so I am able to help others in need and also get myself to my job.
img_0820I love my life today. I get to be humble about how far I’ve come and share that it is possible to not live a life of lies and hate, while also being grateful for the hell I’ve experienced, it allows me to feel raw feelings and see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Look around, see how beautiful the world is?! You are a HUGE part of that beauty. THANK YOU!