I’ve been going through a lot of life changes lately.. Been really struggling.. I’ll be real, I need to work on practicing what I preach. Sometime I act like I have it all together, but in reality I have HUGE moments of weakness.
I found out last night that my Baby Daddy is having sex with another person. It fucking hurts to find that out. Even though I knew it was going to happen, it doesn’t discount how much it hurts. Just that image has been popping in my head all day.
God is teaching me a HUGE lesson over this. I cannot control him and I can’t control Gods will for him. But it still HURTS!
Why can’t he just focus on himself? Why do I care? Why, why, why… Is what I keep asking myself.
I know I can’t hide from these feelings, I need to feel them to the full extent so I can LEARN whatever God wants me to learn. But in this moment, it really, really, really sucks!
I told him last week that I cannot be in contact with him for the sake of my recovery and that I will contact him when I’m ready. That was a big breakthrough for me. It was hard as hell but I still did it. If I was just going to keep this back and forth thing going, I would be hurting A LOT more then I am now.
I’m doing my best to remember that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I WILL BE OK! I have no idea what the future holds. All I have is this moment, right here, right now. There is a positive that comes out of this very hard lesson.
I’m trying so hard not to numb this feeling with a penis. I cannot do that to myself or the other person. I am not that person anymore. If he needs to learn that sort of lesson, whatever it may be, I need to accept that. I know he loves me but he’s also doing what he knows best to help him through this break up……
TEARS, TEARS, TEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reaching out.. HAD to get this out in the open. Support is needed. Thank you!