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Month: October 2016

We are ONE!!<3

We are ONE!!<3

You know those days when the disease of addiction is just flat out REAL and IN YOUR FACE?!?! Yep, that day is today.

You know those days when all you want to do is cry tears of compassion and love for those who are struggling and their loved ones?  Yep, that day is today.

My heart is heaving, my compassion has sky rocked and my gratitude has grown.

Life through the eyes of an addict has gotten extremely real in the last 24 hours. This disease is FUCKING POWERFUL, people!! It’s gotten so real that I get the reality of how low the statics of how many people actually make it in sobriety. That’s just how life work when you’re in recovery. AND THAT’S OK but it’s HARD!!!!

This is when being spiritually fit comes into play. What that looks like to me is, having the ability to reach out to those who are struggling and be strong for them, when I too, am struggling and they don’t have the tools to reach out to me; it’s having the ability to reach for strength from God because I know he has all the power and has a fucking plan for me and every single person around me; it’s having the ability to cry and scream and just BE whatever I’m feeling in the moment because I know that it will pass and gratitude and love will flood in when all the pain, sorrow and anger has lessened.

I am not angry with those who suffer, I am not angry with God, the only thing I am angry at, right now is the POWER that addiction has on the mind. But also, I can be accepting of that power today and that lessens that power, substantially, granite acceptance only lessens it in my mind, but it also allows me to have a mountain of compassion for those that have an overpowering urge to give in to the demons in their mind, if that makes any sense, I have no idea but that’s just what’s coming out as I write.

Shit, look at the person I’ve become because of this disease?! Look at the strength my Higher Power has granted me?! This was put in my life so I that can support others along the way, weather that be from addiction or depression or motherhood, whatever! I tend to learn things the absolute hardest way and I think the reasoning behind that is so I can support others that have gone through similar trials as I.

The human mind is so POWERFUL, in the most amazing ways, but also in a lot of negative ways. I choose to use my mind in ways the suit me and the ones that choose to be part of it. We can all work together to make this world a more kind and compassionate place, if we choose it to be that way.

I CHOOSE LIFE! I CHOOSE HAPPINESS AND COMPASSION! I CAN DO HARD THINGS AND SO CAN YOU!!!!!!!

FUCKING LOVE YOURSELF TODAY, KNOW YOUR WORTH! I LOVE EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU!!!

If ANY of you that are reading this, need support in ANY kind of way, please reach out to me. We can get through this life together. I don’t care what your color, sexuality, addiction, no addiction, etc may be. REACH OUT!! YOU ARE LOVED!!!

Thank you for reading.. MUCH LOVE <3

 

Expression of Self.

Expression of Self.

Well hello there, my fellow humans! <3

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I haven’t written in almost a month and that is because I haven’t had much inspiration. I feel the most inspired to write when I’m working a good program. And quite honestly, I haven’t been doing much of that, the last few weeks but hey, at least I recognize that, today so I can do something about it. And that’s exactly what I’m doing.

I’ve picked up on my daily readings and daily inventory of self and I’m also meeting with my sponsor sometime this week so we can meet and talk about the wonders of life and get into the Big Book; which is something I haven’t done with another recoveree sense I finished the 12 steps. I’m definitely feeling it. Working with another addict/alcoholic is one of the biggest steps/motivators to stay sober so that’s exactly what I need to pick up on, if I want to stay sober.

Although, I haven’t been doing my best in my program, I am definitely feeling a shift in my love for myself and for others. I’ve definitely shifted into the more positive side of life. I’m finding myself smiling A LOT more, these days and the urge to be of service is growing! I’m doing my very best to be accepting of all things, today. I have more love for myself, therefore, I have more love for everyone around me.

About a week and a half ago I went out to my Mom’s house in Long Beach, CA to visit with my Aunt,  my Mom and my most amazing daughter, Lilli for the weekend. It was the most amazing experience to be in the moment with family. It’s the first time going to CA sense I’ve been sober and let me tell you, getting to be present with the most amazing gift from God, my Lillipad, reminded me what I’m doing all this work for, other than myself, of course. Making her laugh uncontrollably, knowing that she hasn’t forgotten me and never will forget me, was a reminder that I did the right thing when I put her care in my Sister’s hands.

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Another amazing experience I had was, getting to walk to the beach every night, because my Mom lives 2 BLOCKS from the sand, I know, I know!! #BLESSED! Anyway, I walked to the beach every night after putting Lilli down to sleep and just getting to have that alone time was EXACTLY what I needed. Feeling the waves of the ocean crash on my feet, with the sand between my toes, is one of the most amazing physical sensations. Being one with Mother Earth, God and myself all in one moment, completely took my breath away.

 

What an amazing life I live! I couldn’t be in more gratitude for all the blessings/promises my Higher Power, who I choose to call God, has put into my life.

Milestones.

Milestones.

Today I hit 8 months of complete sobriety, next month I will have a year off my drugs of choice, Heroin and Cocaine. This is a huge milestone for me, everyday sober is a milestone in my book. I have grown so much as a woman and mother. I am truly grateful for all the obstacles God has placed in my life.

One of the biggest lessons I’ve got to learn is that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel and nothing is permanent. I’ve also learned that I have a lot more fun when I’m sober than when I have some kind of substance in my body.

It’s almost surreal that I’ve made it this far. I feel better and happier then I’ve ever been. I have my moments through out the day that are really difficult but I know I can get through them. God has played a HUGE part in me remaining sober.

take-pride-in-how-far-you-have-come-and-have-faith-in-how-far-you-can-go I am on my way to getting the life I’ve always wanted with my daughter back in my life. I  have had so many opportunities to learn and grow. I couldn’t have done it with out all the support I’ve gotten from my family and my second recovery family.

Last night I had to opportunity to go see one of my favorite Rap artist, Machine Gun Kelly and I made it through until the end, completely sober, with everyone drunk and smoking weed around me. I’m so grateful I did not have the desire to get high. I felt the music is everything bone in my body and it was completely amazing! I got to connect again with one of my greatest recovery sisters in a very important moment in the night and it was just the cherry on top of everything.

I truly understand all the wonderful things sobriety does for the body. I felt that to the full extent at the concert.

Being an addict is such a bittersweet disease. In active addiction is when it hurts the most, but all the amazing thing you feel in recovery makes it all worth it.  I can actually say today that I am a grateful recovering addict and I will live it to the fullest.

I pray that my experience and strength and give someone out there hope that it is possible to feel true happiness. Life definitely isn’t easy but it’s so worth it, if you’re willing to do the work to get there. I am so perfectly imperfect!

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Thank you for sharing 🙂

Kjars.