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Author: Kjarsti Morrow

And All the Sudden, I was ENOUGH!

And All the Sudden, I was ENOUGH!

I’m filled with so much gratitude today. I’m almost speechless, to be honest. It’s truly amazing that I can speak my truth and be honest with where I’m at in my life.

Ya know, as long as I’m good enough for myself, I don’t need to be good enough for someone else. Just because someone doesn’t “want” to be with me right now, doesn’t mean it’s about me, and what’s wrong with me, because there’s NOTHING wrong with me. Maybe I’m just not someones style, and that’s perfectly ok.  I’ve come across people that just aren’t my style and that has absolutely nothing to do with them and everything to do with just knowing/figuring out what I like in a person.  I’m just a puzzle piece fitting my way into a big picture.

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Today, in this moment, I am so madly in love with myself. This morning I actually looked in the mirror and thought, wow, what a beautiful women staring back at me. That women is going places. And I actually believed it.

Seriously, people.. I’m making some serious self movement and it feels FUCKING good to be proud of myself and happy to be ME! My true authentic self.

If someone doesn’t mesh well with me, that’s FINE. We’re not forced to be friends. We’re all just figuring out our peace in the world and what/who make us happy.

The anger and sadness are subsiding and I’m loving it. My happiness for myself is resulting in happiness for others. We are all doing the best we can to make it in this world, to find what make’s our hearts sing. Everything we go through, every single moment, is perfect.

79e0dd023ffbea6613d2fda3b9d92082We are all ENOUGH! No matter where we’re at in life. We are all PERFECT the way we are, flaws and all. LOVE YOURSELF! No matter your size, color, shape, whatever.. This moment is perfect because you are in it.

Be gentle with yourself, everyday is a process of ups and downs. Who knows, in a few hours, I could be loosing my shit but I know that it will pass so I’m learning to be patient.

Why Live with Resentments?

Why Live with Resentments?

resentment-quotesresentment-reshawaii-7unugxpbMan, have I been holding on to some serious resentments the last couple weeks. Expecting anyone and everyone (mostly my daughter’s father) to read my mind and react the way I want them to react. It’s like I’m over here so pissed off that he’s handling this break up the only way he knows how and pissed off that I’m handling it the only way I know how.

“Look at it from all angles. Everyone is living in the own self created illusion. I have no idea why they’re acting out or where they’re coming from. So just because you think something is totally not ok, in their illusion it could be fine and your way could be totally not ok.” – Jen Sincero, You are a Badass

FUCKING GIVING MYSELF WHIPLASH! One min I’m like all good and accepting of this situation and the next, I’m angry and want to cry and listen to nothing but break up songs than I’m back to being happy again. I guess that’s all normal, right? The good thing is, is that I’m doing the BEST I can, right now.

I was reading about how both men and women deal with break ups, supposedly it can take about 11 weeks to really see the positive in a break up. Huh, well I still have a while to go. So patience is key.

935ed280e94abc77d49aba9b96fe103e I’ve also been pretty upset that he’s been on my mind so much, and I should be handling this different, and all this negative shit about myself and how he’s MAKING me feel. When in reality, he isn’t MAKING me feel anything, the pain and loss I feel is expected after a 6 year relationship. I need to remind myself that, I’m actually happy not to have to please anyone or not having to “be good enough” for someone, because the most important thing right now is that I’m good enough for myself. It’s just a really long and hard process but I just need to trust in my higher power and trust that I will be ok, and I have no idea what the future holds but damn, I just want to be over this resentment towards him. I’m really working on forgiving him and forgiving myself for allowing him to hurt me so much.

I’ve been on this subject that last few posts but I feel it’s important to be real and raw with where I’m at in life. I love all my readers and I appreciate all the love I’m getting. Please pray for me. Much love<3

Patience through Prayer and Meditation.

Patience through Prayer and Meditation.

The last week I was really having a hard time being patient with Gods will for me. Why can’t everything just happen RIGHT NOW!? Why don’t I know all the answers?

But like I said in a post earlier this week, “It’s not about the destination but about the journey to get there.” I’ve had to remind myself this about 5 times a day.

When you don’t know the answers to some situation in your life, you need to understand that God already has it all in place for you; so be patient and live in the moment. Everything happens in God’s time; it may not even work out how you ever thought it would but in time, if you can be accepting of whatever the outcome may be, then you will be grateful and happy with it.

I heard in a meeting a few weeks back; “I have good days and I have great days. Good days are when things are going smoothly and gracefully. Great days are when God puts difficult obstacles in my life and I still hit the pillow sober!”

This has helped me so much the last week because I feel like this is a very difficult time in my life, where I am learning so much about myself and my recovery. I am pushing through until there is a spiritual relief.

I’m also learning that I need to fully turn to God in every aspect of my life before I can find my true self, for one, and love in another human, for two.

Today is a much better day. I had some huge breakthroughs. I’ve been reaching out when I’m struggling and I’m BREATHING DEEP through all the bullshit that arises. I’m learning to LET GO AND LET GOD when at all possible. And reminding myself that GREAT things come to those who wait. I have meditated on peace and happiness and self love, something I haven’t done in a few weeks.

GROUNDING MYSELF!! Remembering that I AM BEAUTIFUL, I AM STRONG, I AM LOVED, I AM CAPABLE, I AM A MOTHER, AND A DAUGHTER OF GOD!!! Today is a beautiful day to SMILE. The mountains are changing so beautifully, I am constantly surrounded by amazing, beautiful women, who love me unconditionally.

Also, what an amazing gift this is, getting to write my experience. I was talking to my mom the other day about the hard things that are going on with my daughters father and she said, “You know what, Kjarsti, you’ve always been someone to learn things the hard way, as shitty as it is, it is a beautiful thing because you get to help others through some HARD shit!”

That is very true today. I am grateful I get to help anyone that can take in what I’ve learn and grow from it. I am so grateful to be where I’m at today. I’ve grown so much. Being an addict is fucking hard but it’s so beautiful if you’re willing to do the work.

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My Raw Struggles.

My Raw Struggles.

I’ve been going through a lot of life changes lately.. Been really struggling.. I’ll be real, I need to work on practicing what I preach. Sometime I act like I have it all together, but in reality I have HUGE moments of weakness.

I found out last night that my Baby Daddy is having sex with another person. It fucking hurts to find that out. Even though I knew it was going to happen, it doesn’t discount how much it hurts. Just that image has been popping in my head all day.

God is teaching me a HUGE lesson over this. I cannot control him and I can’t control Gods will for him. But it still HURTS!

Why can’t he just focus on himself? Why do I care? Why, why, why… Is what I keep asking myself.

I know I can’t hide from these feelings, I need to feel them to the full extent so I can LEARN whatever God wants me to learn. But in this moment, it really, really, really sucks!

I told him last week that I cannot be in contact with him for the sake of my recovery and that I will contact him when I’m ready. That was a big breakthrough for me. It was hard as hell but I still did it. If I was just going to keep this back and forth thing going, I would be hurting A LOT more then I am now.

I’m doing my best to remember that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I WILL BE OK! I have no idea what the future holds. All I have is this moment, right here, right now. There is a positive that comes out of this very hard lesson.

I’m trying so hard not to numb this feeling with a penis. I cannot do that to myself or the other person. I am not that person anymore. If he needs to learn that sort of lesson, whatever it may be, I need to accept that. I know he loves me but he’s also doing what he knows best to help him through this break up……

TEARS, TEARS, TEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reaching out.. HAD to get this out in the open. Support is needed. Thank you!

Finding True Peace Within Yourself.

Finding True Peace Within Yourself.

This life is all about the journey not the destination. <3

I’ve found that the only one that will be there 100% of the time, is myself. I’m realizing that it’s not about loving every single aspect of yourself, because that’s unrealistic. It’s about all the amazing things within yourself that far out weigh your flaws.

When you start to notice the positive within yourself, they start to multiple. When you only notice the negative, that is all you see.

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This is a HUGE lesson I’m learning about life. I am my own best friend. There are SO MANY wonderful qualities that I love about myself. I’m an amazing mother, a loyal friend, honest, loving, a wonder writer, etc. The list goes on and on and on.

When you start to believe in yourself, you conquer the world. We can all do hard things! If any given situation is put in your life, you can handle it or it wouldn’t be there to begin with. When you are accepting of yourself, you can be accepting of others; when you find peace within yourself, the world will be peaceful.

It’s all about what you see in yourself, that you will see in the world.

I’m beginning to really love myself, and that is a beautiful thing. We are worth all the happiness in the world, so SMILE! Smiles are what make the world go round and there needs to be more of them.

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Today, I am going to challenge myself to smile more and go out of my way to do something nice for someone. I encourage you all to do the same. Service is a HUGE blessing from God. The more things you do for the world, the more beautiful it will become.

You wouldn’t say all the negative and unloving things to your son or daughter or your friends, so there’s no reason to say them to yourself. Notice how your self talk is today. We are all so beautiful, we need to recognize all the amazing things we are doing.

Another thought; when you can whole hardheartedly love yourself and everything that comes with you; you are able to love someone else, whole hardheartedly. Isn’t this what we all want in this life, finding someone to share your life with? Well you can’t be fully happy in a relationship until you are fully happy with yourself. So start TODAY because it’s not about the destination but about the JOURNEY of finding PEACE withing YOURSELF!

Have a wonderful Friday, everyone!! <3

Gratitude while being Humble.

Gratitude while being Humble.

Gratitude:

The quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.

Humility:

A modest or low view of one’s own importance; humbleness.

 

gratitude-quotes3I’ll admit, this morning I was forgetting all the many blessings in my life. I was acting entitled, manipulative and ungrateful. It’s hard to be stuck in that shit but at least I can recognize it a lot quicker then 7 months ago.

I get to stay humble for where I’m at in life and grateful that I have all these amazing opportunities to learn and grow. Also wish not to shut the door on my past because it is ME.

As I type this, it is like a release of all the bullshit in my head. I don’t NEED material things to be happy, I WANT those things to feel productive because I’ve worked hard for these things. What I really need is for God to fill the hole in my heart. I look for distractions like I looked for drugs. The only thing I need is my self love and the love from my higher power.

I’m so very grateful for support that I get from all my friends and all the love I get from my family, even after all the unloving things I did to them. I grateful to have the will to change what’s inside of me. I grateful for the 12 steps for allowing me to get real honest with myself. I’m even grateful for the little/material things that assist me in getting where I want to be in my life; like my AMAZING job that pays my bills so I can be self sufficient and prepare to be a loving, supportive mother and also my car so I am able to help others in need and also get myself to my job.
img_0820I love my life today. I get to be humble about how far I’ve come and share that it is possible to not live a life of lies and hate, while also being grateful for the hell I’ve experienced, it allows me to feel raw feelings and see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Look around, see how beautiful the world is?! You are a HUGE part of that beauty. THANK YOU!

Love and Compassion ❤️

Love and Compassion ❤️

Having love and compassion for others is one of the many keys to happiness. When we understand that everyone has their trials and are willing to have compassion for what they are going through, you will be blessed with happiness.

It is also important be gentle and have compassion for yourself.

A huge part of my recovery is learning that I cannot control others, I can only change what’s inside of me and how I feel about myself. If I find love in myself than I will find love in others.

I need to be gentle with myself and understand that I am growing and changing every single day. Also, be patient with those around you, they are also growing and changing every single day.

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Laugh when all else fails. Laughter is the BEST medicine. Don’t take life too seriously, not one of us makes it out alive. You come into this earth with only your higher power and you will leave this earth with only your higher power but every second in between we all get the pleasure of having that physical contact with another human being. You NEVER have to walk this journey alone.

Life is hard, that’s the beauty of it. We all get to walk through some extremely difficult trials, that’s what makes us who we are today. When things get hard, remind yourself of the things you are grateful for.

toshaI, too have been going through some huge life changes. Becoming sober for 1, but my relationship with my daughter’s father just ended after 6 years. It’s been very difficult to not find validation in others around me. I know I have to fill that hole in my heart with love for myself and love with my higher power. I’m learning to love my daughter’s father from afar. I don’t know what the future holds and if we’ll ever have a relationship again and that’s ok. I know I can get through this, one day at a time. Trusting the amazing support around me and also trust in my higher power that he will guide me in the best direction.

I try to find a positive in every negative. Good things come out of all things. I’m trying to remember that today. Today will be a great day, because I choose it to be that way.

Thank you, to all those who read my blog. Much love. ❤️

YOU ARE A BADASS!!

YOU ARE A BADASS!!

I started You are a Badass, by Jen Sincero, yesterday. Man, is it what I needed! I AM A BADASS!! I am working on self love, one day at a time. It’s amazing what becoming sober can do for the human brain. It’s like meeting someone beautiful for the first time; it’s like going through puberty at 24 years old; it’s like the first time meeting someone, when you’ve been talking over the phone for years.
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I highly recommend all of you to read this book. I’m listening to it while I work and it’s truly amazing and uplifting.

While in active addiction for many, many years, I always believed I was worthless and stupid and all these negative things, which I’m sure all of you experience. It is a huge part of the reason I numbed myself for so long. I didn’t know anything else. Coming from an abusive family, growing up, to being around drugs at a very young age. I thought that was just how to you did life. At 18 years old, I was introduced to Heroin and I learned very quickly that it was my solution to EVERYTHING! I didn’t have anything at all, except sadness at first, but then it just turned into my way of life. I lived to get high, I lived for the rush of selling drugs. That’s just how I knew how to live.

Becoming a recovering addict is the answer to ALL my problems. I get to look at myself from a brand new pair of eyes, every single day. I’ve never felt so much love for myself, it is growing everyday. Today I know my worth, at least I’m getting there. I’m far from perfect and I’m accepting of that.

Thank you, all for walking this journey with me as I share my life with you.

“All life is either moving forward and evolving or shrinking back and dying.  If you want to evolve in your own life, you have to push through the obstacles instead of running from them.  Obstacles and challenges are the agents of growth.  Nobody gets to be large and in charge without facing challenges and moving through them.  Birth is messy, painful, scary, uncertain, and freaky.  Birth is also a glorious miracle that leads to new life.  If you want the new life you say you want, you have to do the work instead of just studying and discussing and wishing and wanting.” ~ Jen Sincero, You Are a Badass

I hope you all enjoy my writing. Stay tuned for more 🙂

 

A New Beginning!

A New Beginning!

First I’ll start by saying, I’m Kjarsti and I’m a grateful recovering Heroin, Coke, Alcohol, basically anything I can get my hands on, addict.

I have been sober for 220 days today! What a miracle. It has been the most challenging and amazing thing I’ve ever gone through. This is my first post so bear with me.

Because I was numbed by drugs for so long, I’ve never known what truly makes me happy. But the day I got off Heroin and Coke, Nov. 11 2015, I knew that was the beginning of a whole new life. That was the day I was caught for selling drugs and taken to jail for 2.5 months. This is where my recovery really began and the first time I was actually absent from any mind altering substance in about 12 years. I’ll say that going to jail was one of the best thing to ever happen to me, other was  becoming a mother, of course. But while in jail I thought I could get out and just drink, so that’s exactly what I did. I learn very quickly that that wasn’t possible and moved into Sober Living. We’ll get more into that.

This blog is just a beginning for me to learn my own way of communicating my thoughts and feelings. I hope that by starting this I can help someone along the way. I feel a passion for expressing my experience, strength, and hope. So please if you have questions, do not hesitate to ask.

This post is to just open up this blog so there will be much more to come so stay tuned. Thanks!